On men, friendship and getting older

PtOiNg! Went my front crown as it exited my mouth and landed in my cup holder like a champion gymnast nailing a landing to take the gold. 

I was driving with my now friend John. He glanced over at my sudden transformation to cartoon Hillbilly — his micro expression only fleetingly betraying his struggle to remain impassive in the most absurd of circumstances.

Any ghostly remnants of some future flame rekindling snuffed out in one fell swoop. Cruel crown — why must you mock me?

Not that I was that bothered – the time for mystery was well past if indeed it had ever existed. Neither of us ones for coy flirtations. We never ran hot.

I am the only one who can make myself happy and I’m not the only one.

I met John through the app Nextdoor. Not a euphemism. I put some photos up of my sorry looking neglected balcony and asked for quotes. John won. We spent a bit of time together and warmth/fondness/attachment blossomed. A literal and metaphorical May to September kind of thing — it surprised us both and we quickly morphed from fledgling romance to a solid friendship which is still going strong some time later. 

Making new male friends in your 50s is difficult. At the start of 2025 I made a conscious effort to nurture old and new relationships with men, feeling that the male perspective was something missing in my otherwise perfect life. I succeeded in my mission to an extent — going on a mini break to Dublin with Marc and scheduling in monthly walks with Gordon, my only two male friends I’d barely see John was and is the surprising added bonus.

Why is it so hard to make new male friends?

From what I’ve seen, these are probably the reasons:

• You can’t really start a new friendship with a man who is in a relationship. There might be sexual undertones, real or imagined, one side or the other,  mistrust and/or jealousies. 
• You can’t start a new friendship with a man if you are in a relationship. See above. Although like with birds a throuple can work for some.
• Men are bad at making an effort – or maybe women are just accustomed to having to make more of an effort. 
• We box ourselves into a certain way of thinking and get set in our ways –— he must have X in common with me; he can’t be Y.
• If you have children you have to think of them first — how would they feel? Would it affect your relationship with them? Do you have the time and the energy to live two lives (dramatic but a consideration)?

The thing is you can:  you have agency,  I have agency. I know I do, that I am privileged. I am the only one who can make myself happy and I’m not the only one.

I find myself now as a classic menopausal woman – but only in the brain fog department. I was fortunate to avoid the mood swings and the anxiety/loss of confidence. So it’s not all bad and there is a definite liberation to not giving a fuck any more. No menstruation was – as for most –  alas  – coupled with fewer opportunities for sexual freedom. Is there a more depressing word couplet than vaginal dryness? Perhaps ‘bladder leaks’? Pop your preference in the comments below.

I left the family home when I was 41. I felt it was my only option as I was unhappy and could see no way out. I made the right decision for me. I have a brilliant relationship with my daughter who is clever, insightful and beautiful both inside and out. We share a calm aura, sense of humour and taste in music — praise The Lord.

As we age, the transactional aspect of relationships can come sharper into focus. But is it transactional, or is it simply helping each other?

Since splitting up with my partner and the father of my child after 18 years together I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a few good men in the past 15 years.

There was the Italian yoga instructor who helped me improve my physical fitness (through my practice people!) and who brought some new healthy perspectives to life.

The sound engineer who loves the outdoors and who got me back into camping and wild swimming.

And John,  who also loves the outdoors and has improved my living space (as well as my mum’s conservatory) no end, and who has made me realise that you don’t have to have much in common with someone on the surface to be kindred  spirits with broad similar attitudes to life.

As we age, the transactional aspect of relationships can come sharper into focus. But is it transactional, or is it simply helping each other? There is a kind of purity in the  relationship I have with John, where we share and work together — we are surprisingly simpatico.

My daughter has not been overkeen on any of my choices. This is unsurprising. She is now an adult and is more moderate. However, my tendency is always to compartmentalise my life from fairness to her but also convenience for me.

I am ever grateful that I live in a time and place that I do. Thank you, feminist goddesses and the unions! I have the means to ensure I need not rely on anyone financially. It is not easy and I am terrible with money but I feel successful in that I largely do as I please.

So what if I have an unreliable tooth?