Something I have noticed since I hit my mid-thirties is that suddenly, my peers fear ageing or, worse, are convinced we’re already ‘old’ and no longer get to do things purely for our own pleasure and connection with others.
Women, I’ve found, especially feel like their sexiest days are behind them and that women’s sexuality has something of a shelf-life. A harrowing thought when we are still so young. Now that I’m over 35, I’m led to believe that I’m past my ‘sexual peak’ and that my softening body, my slightly sagging tits and warning signs of perimenopause indicate that sex isn’t relevant anymore. Time to lock in and Be Serious.
However, data doesn’t support this story. In fact, findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing — a major ongoing study led by researchers at University College London — show that while sexual frequency does decline with age, a significant number of adults remain sexually active well into their seventies and eighties. Crucially, many report continued satisfaction with their sex lives.
In other words, just as we evolve and change, so does our definition of sexual pleasure. No two lives or bodies are identical and what can change the direction of our lives such as illness, disability or even a marriage breaking down necessarily mean that we lose sexual satisfaction.
Our experiences of pleasure can grow and evolve with us.
And yet many women grow up expecting it not to.
Let penetration be a once every so often activity and explore all the other ways there are to pleasure each other.
Stella Ralfini, a 78-year-old life coach and Reiki healer is happily polyamorous with a healthy sex life. She believes her outlook on sex and ageing was developed early, by her mother.
“My mum married for the third time at 74,” she tells me. “To a Scottish man from Stirling. She never saw herself as old or past having sex. She used to say, ‘Remember, it’s not all about the man getting enjoyment. Be honest about what you want.’”
While this is simple advice, it wasn’t something Stella really felt like she could take on earlier into her life.
“When I was younger, I was too concerned with wanting to be wanted, to get real pleasure from sex,” she says. Like many young women, she prioritised performance and desirability, putting her own pleasure on the backburner. She worried she took “too long” to become aroused. She admits that she sometimes faked orgasms so partners wouldn’t think she was “a lost cause.”
The shift came in her forties, when she fell in love with a man who followed Tantra philosophy.
“He took time to genuinely get to know my body and ways to please me,” she says. “It felt awkward at first.”
This kind of slow comprehension of who she was, what worked for her sexually meant that she couldn’t rely on her decades of performative sex. Instead, she was vulnerable and learned an essential lesson: penetration isn’t the pinnacle of sexual satisfaction.
“Penetration isn’t the holy grail,” Stella says. “That man taught me how to be whole sexually.”
At 78, she is still sexually active but more importantly, she is at ease with her body, meaning the sex she has is free, vulnerable and without shame.
“Caring about body image no longer comes into the picture,” she says. “I accept my spreading middle, the cellulite and wrinkles and am quite happy naked, kissing, cuddling and feeling desired.”
The dream.
Stella believes that what “puts many older women off sex” isn’t ageing itself, but narrow definitions of what sex is allowed to be.
“If your main experience has always been penetration, and that no longer suits your body, then of course you might think you’ve lost something,” she says. “But you haven’t. You just need a wider understanding.”
I accept my spreading middle, the cellulite and wrinkles and am quite happy naked, kissing, cuddling and feeling desired.
Her advice to younger women is incredibly liberating: “What I’d say to a woman of 30 is start now as you mean to carry on,” she says.
“Lovemaking — which is sex in its purest form — is yours to have until you die. Keep playfulness, affection and variety alive in the bedroom. Let penetration be a once every so often activity and explore all the other ways there are to pleasure each other.”
Our bodies may change and what works for us now may not down the line, but this isn’t something to fear. It means we still have so bloody much to look forward to.
Intimacy, she says, keeps her vibrant. Feeling desired matters. Touch matters. Playfulness matters. What doesn’t matter anymore is striving for an unrealistic ideal for how her body ‘should’ look and behave.
Sex doesn’t disappear; it just evolves into something so much more beautiful and intimate.
Our bodies will change, our energy will fluctuate but our pleasure is always ours to enjoy, regardless of age.
If we stopped making assumptions about age and instead lean into the possibilities ahead, we might start asking better questions. Not “Are you still having sex?” but “What does pleasure look like for you now?”
Stella’s answer is simple: connection, curiosity and self-knowledge.
“I’m still learning,” she says.
At 78.
This article is part of Pillow Talk Scotland’s Bold Type Fellowship, a programme supporting emerging writers and journalists to publish bold, well-researched stories about sex and relationships. The Bold Type offers mentoring, workshops, and paid writing opportunities, with a focus on supporting those who have faced barriers to entering the media.
The fellowship’s first round was delivered thanks to funding from Women’s Fund for Scotland.
Want to keep up with our latest stories? Subscribe to our free newsletter for new writing, events, and resources.
