What happens when online interactions are used to threaten, manipulate or exploit someone and are disabled people being properly included in conversations about online safety?
In this Pillow Talks conversation, we looked at sextortion as an issue of digital consent and coercion, alongside the particular barriers disabled people can face when accessing sex and relationships education, recognising online harm and getting support.
We also asked how we can have meaningful conversations about online safety without infantilising disabled adults or treating withdrawal from sex, dating and relationships as the answer.
This event was part of Sex Ed for Grown Ups, our disabled-led sex and relationships education programme delivered by Pillow Talk Scotland in collaboration with Three Sisters Consultancy.
Watch the conversation
Content note
This conversation includes discussion of sextortion, sexual coercion, intimate image abuse, blackmail, exploitation, grooming, online abuse and romance scams.
Please look after yourself while watching and take a break if you need one.
Meet the panel
Corrie McLean (they/them) is co-founder of Three Sisters Consultancy and works in inclusive sex and relationships education, with a particular focus on disabled adults and young people. Corrie is also a facilitator on our Sex Ed for Grown Ups programme and chaired this conversation.
Michael Chamberlain-Cove (he/him) is Learning and Development Officer at Lead Scotland. His work focuses on accessible cyber safety and digital inclusion, including helping disabled people recognise and respond to online harms such as sextortion.
Tony Young (he/him) is a self-advocate, trainer and Dates’n’Mates ambassador. Tony has extensive experience representing himself, Dates’n’Mates and other member-led organisations across Scotland, and co-delivers workshops around sex and relationships.
What we discussed
What is sextortion?
Sextortion is a form of coercive sexual abuse where someone threatens to share intimate images, videos or other sexual content unless the person meets a demand.
That demand might involve money, sending further intimate images, carrying out sexual acts or providing something else the person carrying out the abuse wants.
During the discussion, Michael explained that sextortion can take different forms. Financially motivated sextortion is the type most commonly reported in the media, but intimate material can also be used coercively within existing relationships.
Sextortion also does not necessarily begin with someone voluntarily sharing an intimate image. Images can be stolen from online accounts, and developments in generative AI mean that convincing sexualised or nude images can also be created without someone ever having taken an intimate photograph of themselves.
Michael stressed that financially motivated sextortion can be connected to serious organised crime. Someone who experiences it has not simply “fallen for a trick”: these offences can involve deliberate grooming, manipulation and psychological pressure.
Who can be targeted?
Anyone can experience sextortion.
Michael explained that reported cases of financially motivated sextortion disproportionately involve boys and young men. However, sextortion is significantly underreported, which makes it difficult to know exactly who is affected and in what numbers.
The panel also discussed increasing concerns around disabled people being targeted.
Corrie spoke about working with neurodivergent young people and adults and people with learning disabilities who are looking for connection, intimacy and loving relationships. Someone carrying out abuse may deliberately take advantage of that desire for connection.
This is one reason accessible relationships education matters: if people have had limited opportunities to learn about relationships, boundaries and coercion, it may be more difficult to recognise when something is wrong.
Why can manipulation be difficult to recognise?
Tony explained that manipulation often starts gradually.
Someone may initially seem friendly, caring and trustworthy. They might give compliments, share personal information, create a feeling of closeness or make someone feel particularly special or understood.
Requests and boundary-crossing may then happen little by little rather than all at once.
By the time threats or coercion begin, the person being targeted may already feel emotionally invested in the relationship. Shame, embarrassment and fear about what other people will think can also make it harder to ask for help.
Manipulative people may try to isolate someone by saying things such as “don’t tell anyone” or suggesting that other people would not understand their relationship.
Tony’s central message was that manipulation is always the responsibility of the person choosing to manipulate someone else.
What role does sex and relationships education play?
Disabled people are frequently left out of conversations about sex and relationships altogether, or the education they receive focuses predominantly on risk and safeguarding.
The panel discussed how this can leave people without opportunities to learn about relationships, communication, boundaries, sexuality, coercion and what healthy relationships can actually look like.
Michael also highlighted the importance of educating the people around disabled adults.
It is not enough to give someone a one-off workshop and expect them to remember everything they have learned. Parents, carers, support workers and other people within someone’s support network also need accessible, up-to-date information so they can answer questions and offer meaningful support.
Michael argued that filling this gap should not be left solely to individual disabled people or small charities: accessible digital and relationships education needs to be taken seriously across society.
What would better prevention and education look like?
Better education needs to happen in places where people are actually engaging.
The panel discussed the potential of television, social media, peer education and accessible digital resources alongside more traditional educational materials.
Michael suggested that seeing sextortion represented in mainstream television storylines could help normalise conversations about it and reach people who may never actively seek out a lesson or information page.
Corrie also highlighted the importance of disabled people themselves being part of conversations and education around sex, relationships and online safety rather than always being spoken about by other people.
How can people reduce the risk of sextortion?
Michael shared a number of practical harm-reduction measures.
These included thinking carefully about who you share intimate material with, keeping social media accounts and other online accounts secure, limiting the amount of personal information publicly available about you, using strong passwords and turning on two-factor authentication.
He also discussed StopNCII and Report Remove, two tools designed to help prevent intimate images from being shared on participating platforms.
These tools create a digital fingerprint, or “hash”, of an image. Participating websites and platforms can then use that fingerprint to identify and prevent the same image being uploaded.
Michael emphasised that these tools are useful but are not a complete guarantee: intimate content can still be shared in other ways.
How do we talk about safety without taking away disabled people’s autonomy?
This was a central theme of the discussion.
Disabled people’s sexuality and relationships are often discussed primarily through the language of risk, vulnerability and safeguarding.
Corrie argued that disabled adults have the same right as anybody else to explore their sexuality, have relationships, have fun and make mistakes.
Tony similarly spoke about the harm that can be caused when families and organisations “wrap people in cotton wool”. Providing someone with additional support should not mean removing their independence or preventing them from having the same opportunities for relationships and intimacy as other adults.
Michael reflected on the same issue from a cyber-safety perspective.
It would be possible to reduce someone’s exposure to online harm by frightening them into never going online but that would also remove huge opportunities for friendship, relationships, community and independence.
Instead, good safety education should help people take manageable steps towards making more informed choices while maintaining as much autonomy as possible.
What does a healthy online relationship look like?
The conversation also deliberately moved away from talking only about danger.
Online dating and relationships can be enjoyable, positive and important parts of people’s lives.
Tony shared some of the “green flags” that can indicate a healthy relationship.
You should feel comfortable and safe rather than constantly worried or on edge. You should be able to say no and set boundaries, and the other person should respect them.
You should not feel pressured into sharing information, photographs or sexual content.
Healthy relationships should feel equal and respectful. Both people should listen to each other, and one person should not be making all the decisions.
You should also be able to maintain the rest of your life, including friendships, family relationships, hobbies and interests, rather than the relationship taking over everything.
Trust should develop gradually, and you should feel able to be yourself.
If a relationship consistently leaves you feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed or unlike yourself, that can be a sign to pause and talk to somebody you trust.
What should someone do if they think they are experiencing sextortion?
The most important message from the panel was that experiencing sextortion is not your fault.
Michael recommended seeking support and reporting sextortion to the police.
He also advised people experiencing financially motivated sextortion not to assume that paying the person making the threat will make it stop. Paying money does not guarantee that intimate content will be deleted or that the person will stop demanding more.
Victim Support Scotland can also provide emotional and practical support to people affected by crime.
The panel encouraged people to talk to someone they trust rather than trying to deal with the situation alone.
For parents, carers and professionals, Corrie emphasised the importance of making it clear that someone who asks for help is not in trouble.
Fear of being blamed, punished or judged can prevent people from disclosing what has happened. Creating an environment where someone knows they can ask for help without getting into trouble can make it much easier for them to come forward.
Support and resources
The following resources were recommended by speakers during and after the event.
If you are experiencing sextortion
Police Scotland – Support available for sextortion victims
Police Scotland provides information about sextortion and advice on what to do if you are experiencing it.
Read Police Scotland’s information about sextortion
Victim Support – Sextortion
Information and support for people affected by sextortion and other forms of crime.
Read Victim Support’s information about sextortion
Revenge Porn Helpline
The Revenge Porn Helpline supports adults experiencing intimate image abuse.
Visit the Revenge Porn Helpline
Internet Watch Foundation – advice for adults
Advice for adults who have experienced sexually coerced extortion or sextortion.
Read the IWF’s advice for adults experiencing sextortion
Helping prevent intimate images being shared
StopNCII
StopNCII is a free tool designed to help adults prevent intimate images or videos from being shared without their consent on participating platforms.
The image itself does not need to be uploaded to StopNCII. Instead, the tool creates a digital fingerprint of the content which participating platforms can use to identify matching images.
Report Remove
Report Remove is a Childline tool for nude or sexual images or videos involving someone who was under 18 when the content was created.
It works with the Internet Watch Foundation and was highlighted during the discussion as the under-18 equivalent of tools such as StopNCII.
Accessible information about sextortion and online safety
Lead Scotland – Easy Read: How to protect yourself from sextortion emails
An Easy Read guide designed to make information about sextortion and online safety more accessible.
Read the Lead Scotland Easy Read sextortion guide
Lead Scotland – Easy Read: What is a romance scam?
An accessible introduction to romance scams, how they can happen and what people can do.
Read the Lead Scotland Easy Read guide to romance scams
Lead Scotland – BSL video on romance scams
A British Sign Language resource exploring romance scams.
Lead Scotland – online course on sextortion
A free online learning course about sextortion scams and staying safer online.
Take the Lead Scotland sextortion course
Lead Scotland — online course on romance scams
A free online course exploring romance scams.
Take the Lead Scotland romance scams course
Fearless / Crimestoppers – Sextortion
Information about sextortion from Fearless, the youth service of Crimestoppers.
Read Fearless’s information about sextortion
Further learning
NSPCC – Protecting boys from financially motivated sexual extortion
A podcast exploring financially motivated sexual extortion, particularly its impact on boys and young men.
Sex Ed for Grown Ups
This Pillow Talks event was part of Sex Ed for Grown Ups, a disabled-led sex and relationships education programme delivered by Pillow Talk Scotland in collaboration with Three Sisters Consultancy.
The programme is for disabled adults in Scotland aged 18+ who feel they missed out on accessible, relevant sex and relationships education earlier in life.
Rather than approaching sex and relationships only through risk and safeguarding, Sex Ed for Grown Ups creates accessible spaces to learn about bodies, sexuality, relationships, communication, consent, pleasure, sexual health and online relationships.
Sessions are designed to meet different access and learning needs, with BSL interpretation available throughout the programme. Want to ask us some information? Reach out below.
About Pillow Talks
Pillow Talks brings together unembarrassable experts, lived experience and curious communities for open, shame-free conversations about sex, relationships and everything in between.
Through the series, we create space to explore subjects that are often treated as embarrassing, difficult or too complicated to talk about openly, bringing together professional expertise, community knowledge and real-life experience.
If you are currently in immediate danger, call 999.
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